The Lighthouse or maybe "Stormy Waters Ahead", by Judy 1997
When I wrote about what happened to me Tuesday evening, December 1st, I thought that having faced threality I would be able to get on with my life. I mean it could have been worse. There are several emotions that I'm having to deal with that I wasn't expecting.
I keep having one flashback, that of stepping around the corner and the black shadow coming to life.
Then the realization that it was a person. I remember the raised fist and then stars, I don't remember his fist connecting and hurting. I do remember screaming and being stunned. The rest of what happened I'm managed to deal with.
The second emotion that keeps popping up, when I have the flashback, is anger! I'm angry because I didn't and couldn't do more. I'm angry because I want to personally meet him again and beat him senseless, and if beating him ended in his dying, so be it! I want to feel a physical connection and see him hurting. The other night I was watching an episode of NCIS. I think the young girl who works in the lab is named Abby. She was kidnapped by someone who intended to kill her. When Jethro and the rest of the team came upon the van that she got into, you could hear someone yelling, but when the van door opened Abby had used her stun gun and was shocking her kidnapper, she did it several times. Each time she shocked the man, I understood the anger running through her and why she wanted to hurt him. I'm grateful that I wasn't hurt worse than I was. I know that as a Christian I should forgive the man and let God handle the punishment. I know I will reach that stage, but not tonight!
The third emotion I have is being afraid to come home after dark. I leave lights on inside and out. Thursday night was my first night back, but I arrived home before dark, and I was still nervous. Friday I decided to attend our Sunday School's Christmas dinner. Unfortunately, we met at the church at 5:30 PM and this meant I would arrive home late and after dark. I went anyway. It was 7:30 PM when I arrived back home. The whole time I stayed at the dinner, I made myself nauaeted and dreaded coming home. I hurridly got into the house and turned on my burgular alarm. Saturday night my brother gave a surprise 60th birthday party for my sister-in-law. It was at 6:30 PM, meaning I wouldn't arrive back home until 9:00 PM or 9:30 PM. I didn't think I could do this again, so I called my neighbor and asked if he would meet me at 9:00 PM outside my house and walk me in. He said he would be happy to and he did! Thankfully he would be at home and could do this and he did! This fear bothers me the most! I need to go to the grocery store, but I don't want to arrive home after dark, so I'm going on my lunch hour. I hope this goes away soon! Because if it doesn't, it means he wins!
I'm also having to deal with why are all these events happening now in my life. Why not when I was younger and could handle it better. Since December 17th, 2008, I've had a total knee replacement, turned sixty-one, had two trees to fall on my house requiring the roof to totally be replaced. Do you know what it's like to hear seventy miles an hour wind, at night, and feel the thump of a tree falling onto the roof, not once but twice, each at different times! And have your earnings drop $800.00 a month and then be attacked which resulted in my car being stolen! All within a year! I keep asking what I'm suppose to learn. I know I'm under God's protection, he's proved that, I mean each event could have been life threatening, but thankfully it didn't happen. Where am I suppose to go with this knowledge?