Sunday, December 6, 2009

NOT THE USUAL DAY IN MY LIVE-The Carjacking contd...

The Lighthouse or maybe "Stormy Waters Ahead", by Judy 1997

When I wrote about what happened to me Tuesday evening, December 1st, I thought that having faced threality I would be able to get on with my life.  I mean it could have been worse.  There are several emotions that I'm having to deal with that I wasn't expecting.

I keep having one flashback, that of stepping around the corner and the black shadow coming to life. 
Then the realization that it was a person.  I remember the raised fist and then stars, I don't remember his fist connecting and hurting.  I do remember screaming and being stunned.  The rest of what happened I'm managed to deal with.

The second emotion that keeps popping up, when I have the flashback, is anger!  I'm angry because I didn't and couldn't do more.  I'm angry because I want to personally meet him again and beat him senseless, and if beating him ended in his dying, so be it! I want to feel a physical connection and see him hurting.  The other night I was watching an episode of NCIS.  I think the young girl who works in the lab is named Abby.  She was kidnapped by someone who intended to kill her.  When Jethro and the rest of the team came upon the van that she got into, you could hear someone yelling, but when the van door opened Abby had used her stun gun and was shocking her kidnapper, she did it several times.  Each time she shocked the man, I understood the anger running through her and why she wanted to hurt him.  I'm grateful that I wasn't hurt worse than I was.  I know that as a Christian I should forgive the man and let God handle the punishment.  I know I will reach that stage, but not tonight!

The third emotion I have is being afraid to come home after dark.  I leave lights on inside and out.  Thursday night was my first night back, but I arrived home before dark, and I was still nervous.  Friday I decided to attend our Sunday School's Christmas dinner.  Unfortunately, we met at the church at 5:30 PM and this meant I would arrive home late and after dark.  I went anyway.  It was 7:30 PM when I arrived back home.  The whole time I stayed at the dinner, I made myself nauaeted and dreaded coming home.  I hurridly got into the house and turned on my burgular alarm.  Saturday night my brother gave a surprise 60th birthday party for my sister-in-law.  It was at 6:30 PM, meaning I wouldn't arrive back home until 9:00 PM or 9:30 PM.  I didn't think I could do this again, so I called my neighbor and asked if he would meet me at 9:00 PM outside my house and walk me in.  He said he would be happy to and he did! Thankfully he would be at home and could do this and he did!  This fear bothers me the most!  I need to go to the grocery store, but I don't want to arrive home after dark, so I'm going on my lunch hour.  I hope this goes away soon!  Because if it doesn't, it means he wins! 

I'm also having to deal with why are all these events happening now in my life.  Why not when I was younger and could handle it better.  Since December 17th, 2008, I've had a total knee replacement, turned sixty-one, had two trees to fall on my house requiring the roof to totally be replaced.  Do you know what it's like to hear seventy miles an hour wind, at night, and feel the thump of a tree falling onto the roof, not once but twice, each at different times! And have your earnings drop $800.00 a month and then be attacked which resulted in my car being stolen! All within a year!  I keep asking what I'm suppose to learn.  I know I'm under God's protection, he's proved that, I mean each event could have been life threatening, but thankfully it didn't happen.  Where am I suppose to go with this knowledge?

Max

10 comments:

arlee bird said...

Hope you are having a good recovery. Hopefully the award I passed to you will get you some additional quality readers.

See my second post for Sunday.

Lee

Agnes said...

I can understand Judy... what a horrible thing...
You're a strong woman, you really are.

Judy Harper said...

Lee-Thanks! I'm trying to move a picture of the award over, taking me a little longer than expected.

Agnes-Thank you so much! Though right now I feel anything but strong. I loved your boots! Geoff is such a good photographer! What does he do for a living?

Helen McGinn said...

Judy, I had an experience which was very different but rather similar a few years ago; I just wanted to say that age made no difference but time did. I'm so sorry this has happened because I completely understand your anger and the lack of a place for it to go....for me, punching something really hard worked a bit (and there was that poor waiter who was rude to me...wrong place, wrong time)....and that it is all consuming but only for a while and not for ever.

Mighty M said...

Such a scary time for you - have you thought at all about a session or two with a counselor? Sometimes that can help too..

Feeling Fit With Dana said...

It has been a rough year! BUT, it's almost over and next year WILL be better! There is a lesson here and it will be revealed. Hang in there! (((HUGS)))

Merry SITSmas!

gaelikaa said...

You've got to go through the anger before you get to forgiveness, Judy. The guy hurt you!

2 Toddlers and Me said...

I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you. I'm thinking of you and hoping they turn around soon. All of your emotions are normal and you will get past it by refusing to "let him win" as you said. I think it is very admirable that you went out to dinner even though you were nervous. I think the repetitive nature of being out at night will slowly file away at the fear and one day you will be out in the dark and the incident won't even occur to you. I know that seems like a long way off, but you will get there if you just keep chugging along.

I love the picture of your cat, he looks a lot like mine!

Judy Harper said...

Helen, M, Dana, Gaelikaa, and Me-Thanks for your comments of concern, hopefully, writing about this will help my fear and anger to dissolve so I can forgive and get on with my life!

Judy Harper said...

Helen, M, Dana, Gaelikaa, and Me-Thanks for your comments of concern, hopefully, writing about this will help my fear and anger to dissolve so I can forgive and get on with my life!